jokes 4

A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow.

"I hear tell all you Scotch people are real hard drinkers."
he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't
know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of
whisky one after the other and give you $500 dollars if
you can do it."

No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!

"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American
says disgustedly.

A few minutes later the guy who left comes back in and says
"Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"

"Sure as hell is!" and the American orders a line up of 20 glasses
of whisky.
The Scotsman runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing
back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of
the American. The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't
past the 17th glass, so he gives the bloke the $500.

"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you
(hic!) came back in again?"

"Eh? oh aye" says the Scotsman, pocketing the bills, "I went
tae the pub across the road just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone's yard. The driver says: "That is great. Me and my wife do that every night.
The passenger replies, "My wife is conservative, she likes the old fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it."
The driver says: "Give your wife two martinis and she will be all set."
The next morning they're cruising along and the driver asks "How was it?"
The passenger answers: "It was great, but it took my wife ten martinis."
The driver looks at him funny and says "TEN MARTINIS?"
The passenger says "Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!"

Husband: Let's both go out and really enjoy ourselves tonight.

Wife: Ok, but if you get home first, remember not to lock the door.

GOLF STORYS

It can be a funny old game and I miss it!

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson: "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"

---------------
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you"?

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

---------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times ..... just put me down for a five."

---------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer," to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

---------------

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, " This isn't going to take all day, is it?
******************************

Finally,

Bob's Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over sensitive,
and there's nothing worse than an over sensitive woman...

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Jennifer.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Jennifer
to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
dinner. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked
grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For xample she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
any (if ! you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my
strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Jennifer.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However,
guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each
other.....

Signed, Bob



** EDITOR'S NOTE **: Bob died suddenly on May 27th.>The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long
50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2
inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with
murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her
defense that he accidentally sat down on it...