jokes

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have got out today


A blonde wanted to sell her old car, but nobody wished to buy a car with 250,000 miles on it. So, she tells her brunette girlfriend at the salon about her problem, and the brunette suggests she take the car to a mechanic friend of hers, who will turn the meter back by 200,000 miles.

The blonde thinks this is a sound suggestion and does so.

About a month later, the brunette sees her blonde girlfriend in a store and says, "Did you ever sell your car?"

"No," says the blonde. "Why should I? It's only got 50,000 miles on it."

A man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want
to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will not change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,
and I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.? Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... You
will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name
like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling
you, you will have to change your name or I will not be able to
represent
you."
"So be it! " the guy said and
he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his
office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.? The agent
is awe-struck,
who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter..."Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your
office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed

to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I
refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis
van Lesbian.


After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided
you were right.


I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your
office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without
changing my name, so the enclosed check
is a token of my appreciation
Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,


Dick van Dyke

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES!

I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."



Three men passed away on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle." he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

POSTED BY HOGGY

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent f**t what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."



Pastor's Business Card


A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)



The Ant & The Grasshopper Fable

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END


THE BRITISH VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food.

The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party, the Single Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council.

The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBiz company [funded by the EU] (although within weeks, his business is threatened with compulsory purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana growing
operation and terrorise the community.

THE END.


A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese
Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from".


After a short pause. The rabbit said...

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Mixin'-me-toasties"



An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been passing wind all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't
make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop passing wind all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have passed wind at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still passing wind just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinuses cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"


Mind - Boggling Moments

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.



My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!



I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.



The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.



At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.



I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.



When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.

MORE FROM HOGGY

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And, I need to get some close-up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're NOT the flight instructor??!!"



THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."



Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

AND SOME MORE FROM HOGGY


Kids are so quick!!!


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

___________________________________

George W. Bush visited a primary school to talk to kids for a little PR boost. After his talk he offered to take a few questions. A boy raised his hand. Bush asked him his name.

"Stanley," boy responded.

"And what is your question, Stanley?" the President asked.

"I have 4 questions," Stanley replied. "First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" And fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Taken aback by this barrage, Bush hesitated a moment. The bell rang for recess and he told the class that they would continue after recess.

When they resumed George asked, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy raised his hand. Bush pointed to him and asked him his name.

"Stephen," he responded.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions," Steven replied:

"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley ?


Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted, ran directly home & dived into his room, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. "
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"



Three sons left home, started careers and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give their elderly mother for her 70th birthday.

The first said, "I built a big house for Mom."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out letters of thanks.

She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is not practical. I live in only one room, but I have to heat, cool, and clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes, and the driver is so rude!"

She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."



If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you f***ed consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)





A elderly man in Louisiana had owned a big farm for many years. He had lived alone for several years since his wife died, but he was kept busy with the farm.

He had a large pond in the back. It was excellent for swimming, so he decided to fix it up as his grandchildren were coming to stay the next year -- he built a raised deck, added a picnic table, barbecue and seats and he planted some apple and peach trees around the pond.

One evening a couple of days before his young visitors were due to arrive, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing happily. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of pretty young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deepest part in the middle of the pond. As the farmer walked slowly around the edge of the pond, one of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast.............

FROM WAGGERS

Three surgeons are dining together and after a few drinks begin to boast about their skills.

The first tells about a young man who was brought to him with all his fingers severed in a terrible lawn-mower accident. "No-one thought I could do it," said the surgeon, "but after I'd finished with him his hands were as good as new - why, he went on to become a concert pianist!"

"Impressive," said the second surgeon. "Almost as impressive as when I re-attached the severed legs of a young woman who'd been in a big car crash - she went on to become a prima ballerina."

"Hmmn, not bad going," said the third surgeon. "I recall a terrible case I had to deal with some years ago, a young fellow rode his horse straight into a combine harvester. There was nothing recognisable left except the horse's a**e and a cowboy hat. I did my best work - and that young man went on to become the president of the United States."




oh i love this one :

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway.
He's tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady who offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts.She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again,he asks the little old lady,
"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we don't have teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver then asks, "Why did you buy them?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.




WINNING WITH A DEAD DONKEY.

A young man named Tony bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey, but when he drove up the next day,he said: 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news ....the donkey's on my truck but he's dead.'
Tony replied: 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
The farmer said :
' Can't do that. I have spent it already.' OK then Tony replied, 'Just unload the donkey anyway.'
'What are you going to do with him?' the farmer asked. I'm going to raffle
him off, came the reply, to which the farmer replied : ' you can't raffle a dead donkey!'
But Tony, with a big smile,said: 'Sure I can. Watch me. Just don't tell anybody that he's dead.' A month later the farmer met Tony and asked :
What happened with that dead donkey?'
I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and made a profit of £698,' Tony replied.
Amazed, the farmer asked : 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money?' Tony replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim the prize.
So I gave him his £2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, and he thought I was a great guy.'
Tony grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Britain, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British voters, as long as he gave back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.





The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."