jokes 2

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"




Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation,

get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the

morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if
she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young
University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the
behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to
the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I
just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power

of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all

immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the
University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thing in!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach-ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Hard, screaming, animal sex like in old days. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls back. "Boss, you genius. I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."



A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young
man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out
the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you
have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls

up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.

They young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and
the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data
via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says,


"You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one
of my sheep." says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to
the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will
you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked; and you know jack sh*t about my business. Now
give me back my dog."





DOCTOR TANG

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Tang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Tang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Tang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Tang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Tang what is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr. Tang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."



How to Give a Cat a Pill.

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in. right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growl emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.
Get another pill.
Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot of scotch - drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot.
Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little blighter's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the Accident and Emergency, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye.
Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA/to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How to Give A Dog A Pill............. Wrap it in bacon.

The Sheriff walked into a bar and said to the barman "Have you seen a cowboy with a brown paper shirt and brown paper pants?" The barman said "Nope, he ain't been in here. What's he wanted for?" The Sheriff replied "Rustling!"